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Goodnight Childsprite

by Celogen

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1.
stay up 'til midnight just watching movies together you dressed in blue cotton pyjamas the other in plain grey wool well now you’ve finally got what you wanted oh yeah, your heart is finally full the phone sends vibrations through the nightstand somebody out there needs you but not like you need this embrace and a gentle breeze blows in through the rafters come to gently brush the dead skin off your face it’s just an echo of the secrets you keep it’s just an echo of the languages you speak it’s just an echo of your slow release, of your slow release and still, the precious dent in the pillow your parting gift before the dawn arrives it’s just an echo of the secrets you keep it’s just an echo of the languages you speak it’s just an echo of a life so sweet, of a life so sweet
2.
why, in your satellite, do you call back to earth when you know that it won’t hurt this time for the left behind swearing they’ve been reborn, begging “stay a little more”, watchful eye. when you’re stolen into dreams, are you scared you’ll lose track of everywhere you’ve been this life, this life when the flick of a lamp switch erases memory as well as sight? and every long, lonely night reoccurring they’ll never know, it’s a fact they can’t change the unreal you splits seas into currents the gentle flows just fill with cellophane so why don’t you stay in flight? with so many hands upon you can you ever know what’s right? and when you arise, when the satellite fills your eyes with so many hands upon you is your graceful ascent just one long fight? with every long, lonely night reoccurring they’ll never know, it’s a fact they can’t change the unreal you splits seas into currents the gentle flows just fill with cellophane well who’s gonna hide you? well who’s gonna call you home? oh you don’t seem to care, so you must know
3.
Searchlight 03:34
to have someone sticking with you when the rest have left your space a name, a heart, a spine, a face from a blurry place a blurry hope at breathless pace to wake up feeling sick and tired and to hear that it’s okay hear what the gentle voice will say and just melt away to both waste the worthless day the pictures playing in your mind as you lock yourself inside the promise playing in the searchlight to count the nights since you last saw your bed to get out the house again to make it back by god knows when such simple time you spend but it winds around the bend to find yourself wrapped in a gaze just a gown in a haze of light to believe it’s safe, to believe it’s right like you’ve missed for all this time the touch of the worthwhile kind the pictures playing in your mind as you lock yourself inside the promise playing in the searchlight to have someone sticking with you at peace with all you’ve seen at peace with everyone you’ve been through a blurry scene in your tiny, crackling dream
4.
how strange it is to blend with houses built to bend to see through sleepwalker eyes with no gales of mist and needles and no microwave glass burns and no one who knows how you made up your mind and why aren’t the hallways empty why aren’t the doorways closed with a “no insomniacs” sign and does anybody notice the silent fever spread the shadows of those who were always inside come on, let the poor devils in they won’t hurt you, I don’t think and who cares if they see through your skin they say, “I’m sure you’ll stick with me for a long time” they say, “I need you more than you could care to know” they ask, “do you want me? will you keep me warm?” I hold my tongue as I’ve done since I was born
5.
the first time tasted like ice cream, she said like waking from a nightmare to an empty bed and nothing can touch you until you fall back in the first time you saw the headlights arrive come breaking out the darkness to materialize and you lay there breathing you lay there trying to forget pretending no one saw the fog that came spilling endless out your head well, I know you better I know you better than you’d believe and I swear, if it comes back for you then first it has to go through me I’ve known you forever I know you better than you’d believe and I swear that if it comes for you then it’ll have to go through me and you could curl up safe as houses and I could seep into your past like nothing else would ever matter like nothing ever really has
6.
today you’re just a gemstone a gilded hall that crawls with spies you glisten filled with water and through the walls I hear your sighs slip your shirt off slip your shirt off fix your hair without a sound let the floor shift just ignore it you won’t find me now I find the exit, the one thing I can climb through the stranger in me stares blankly at the stranger in you I seal it shut before you see I’m not there you’ll still show up so well prepared it was in your dreaming face the reason why I can’t compare how easily I fell in and believed that I could stand to feel you there it means nothing it means nothing a little mark on the life you’ve made to lie down softly weigh down upon me these ghosts forever unnamed I feel my way to the exit and I climb through the stranger in me stares blankly at the stranger in you I seal it shut before you see I’m not there I’m no longer sure, no longer scared today you’re just a gemstone the gleam of what you leave behind the gleam of how I wish I never took that glimpse inside the gleam of all you showed me the brightest side there is to life as it works out for you as you’ve told me oh so many times someone takes a shine so you know where you’ll be staying in your life it is so cut and dry it never gets any easier it never gets any easier
7.
in a field by a river that has swept you away so wide and so deep so little chance of escape all stretching on forever not a blemish on the skyline I am running to try and find you grab a branch and pull you out desperate to outpace the current before it’s too late and no one hears a word of it no one knows a thing and in a sudden moment it’s clear what they believe in in their lives there is no water you move so slowly on the earth they’ll never see it as it looks from the inside before the sun sets on your chance your chance to escape this world and rush into one you can love from far away, I hear you say “I can tell that you’re alone in there, and I ⁠— I bet it must be nice I can tell that you’re alone in there, but I was only floating by we’ve changed” and when it’s all dried up, I’ll lie down and I’ll take on nothing as I want from the ground and when it’s all dried up, I’ll lie down and I’ll accept nothing as I want from the ground
8.
if you’re so sure that no one’s really waiting for you, why should you bother trying to make it there on time? why not take the long way round, and leave as early as possible with no goodbyes? a glowing cross set deep within a forest reminds you of every loose end left untied every smiling face with its hair falling over with its hair still falling over its eyes and there in that hallway full of dull fluorescent tubes was there ever anybody who was dying to meet you? was it ever heaven? was it ever heaven? was it ever heaven, was it ever a room with a view? do you wonder how it would feel to give someone a reason to fight for you? do you wonder how it would feel to just be seen?
9.
come and meet me where it’s safer, on some burning summer day a garden of rocks by a sun-warmed porch with the war against time at bay watch the seasons take on deeper meanings for a change come and meet me where it’s safer, when the cavalry falls away I'll be a place to hide the good days, a place beneath the shade with still such a long life left to go with the stillness that carries you all the way home through this clearing, I’ll be there beside you and I can hardly wait to see you there with all the words drawn on your blinking face come and find me while it matters, before the garden comes undone there is far too much I remember for me to keep on playing dumb come and find me while it matters, admit you’re just as scared as me so we can run off where we can bear to see these days turn to memories to leave the war behind in the blink of an eye to trust for once that it’s enough we’re both alive I won’t be straying from your side through this clearing, I’ll be there beside you and I can hardly wait to see you there with all the words drawn on your blinking face and if they tell you that you’re not worth the heartache, well I know that’s not true and I will use my little lifetime just to prove it to you and through this clearing, I’ll be there beside you I can hardly wait
10.
I fell out of step with everyone I was so focused on floating through the spring I watched them all kiss in the distance so painfully real, half naked and bristling in their haven beneath the canopy the home they built in a day and from the outside in, they looked nothing like me all together, so sweet and so free I fell out of step with everyone but they never noticed a thing I weaved a whole world around theirs and I never told them where I had been but of course they couldn’t stay they were never really there anyway and there was only one secret they hid: how easy it is to find love, and to let yourself in and it’s funny, at least I laugh because it’s true; I still come running right back to you. [and then comes the reply...]

about

it was such a long time ago. you were so quiet, so lifelike. the lotus position on the front room sofa, lasting the whole evening. waiting to be replaced by rainstorms. waiting to see what comes next. the questioning stare in the parking lot meets the nervous turn away. you stood on a pedestal, you blushed on a stage, you wondered how to make contact. all recorded for posterity in a long-lost book of forgiveness. this is the life you want to live — I hope you live forever.

and if you glued your memory back together,
you'd see what's happened here.
but you never will.

isn't it a blessing?

credits

released September 7, 2019

all songs written and recorded by Dominic Demierre.
produced & mixed by Dominic Demierre.

special thanks to: Donovan, Jade, and Max for creative aid; Catherine and Mateen for the cover art; family & friends for moral support; and, of course, everyone who inspired these songs. for better or for worse, I couldn't have done it without you.

urchin spike

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Celogen Calgary, Alberta

I have seen everything and known everyone and I am still not tired!

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